Just talking...

I haven't updated here in quite a while; I'm kind of hoping that no one is checking in anymore and that I'm just sending it out to the void... if you do run across this, I'm fine, just need to say some things!

I'm so tired of having to be "perfect" and having to present the "perfect" happy face, and "perfect" family, and be the "perfect" hostess... I just want to scream and I feel like even if I do no one will hear me. I'm treading water, but I'm sinking down and no is watching or even sees that I'm struggling. Yes, I know I'll be fine. Everyone knows I'll be fine... but in the meantime, I'm not fine and I need to be taken care of a little bit.

I am strong. "Rachel is the strong one..." yep, everybody knows this... so no worries. But I'm tired of being strong. When do I get to be weak?? Oh yeah, never. It is my job to hold it together so that everyone around me can bring me their trials and struggles... which I don't mind, but shouldn't it be a two way street?

I'm sure a lot of this rant stems from loneliness. I know that I have my family's support and care, but sometimes that message gets lost in translation as it travels halfway around the world. Because I work from home, I don't have colleagues with whom I can share my day and my thoughts... and as I've recently had pointed out to me, I am apparently a very negative, critical person and that explains why I don't have tons and tons of friends. Great. So here I am. Alone.

If you're reading this, I apologize for being such a downer. I just needed to say these things out loud. When I post again, I'll put up some recent pictures and adopt the peppy, happy, "everything's perfect" tone that you were probably expecting. Sorry for the rant. But if you made it this far, thanks for listening.

rmf