I haven't updated here in quite a while; I'm kind of hoping that no one is checking in anymore and that I'm just sending it out to the void... if you do run across this, I'm fine, just need to say some things!
I'm so tired of having to be "perfect" and having to present the "perfect" happy face, and "perfect" family, and be the "perfect" hostess... I just want to scream and I feel like even if I do no one will hear me. I'm treading water, but I'm sinking down and no is watching or even sees that I'm struggling. Yes, I know I'll be fine. Everyone knows I'll be fine... but in the meantime, I'm not fine and I need to be taken care of a little bit.
I am strong. "Rachel is the strong one..." yep, everybody knows this... so no worries. But I'm tired of being strong. When do I get to be weak?? Oh yeah, never. It is my job to hold it together so that everyone around me can bring me their trials and struggles... which I don't mind, but shouldn't it be a two way street?
I'm sure a lot of this rant stems from loneliness. I know that I have my family's support and care, but sometimes that message gets lost in translation as it travels halfway around the world. Because I work from home, I don't have colleagues with whom I can share my day and my thoughts... and as I've recently had pointed out to me, I am apparently a very negative, critical person and that explains why I don't have tons and tons of friends. Great. So here I am. Alone.
If you're reading this, I apologize for being such a downer. I just needed to say these things out loud. When I post again, I'll put up some recent pictures and adopt the peppy, happy, "everything's perfect" tone that you were probably expecting. Sorry for the rant. But if you made it this far, thanks for listening.
rmf
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7 comments:
Hi..I happened onto your blog and I know you are tired of hearing people tell you this but..hang in there! I'm a navy wife myself so I have some idea of what your going thru. All the best to you.
dgillete@yahoo.com
Hey Rachel--I do check your blog often! And although I'm halfway across the world, and we haven't "talked" or hung out or even seen each other since college, I am still very much intersted in what goes on in your life. Even if it's not always happy. Trust me, I can relate. And I have lots of coworkers and am surrounded by 530 kids every day--and I live in my hometown! What I often wonder is how one can be lonely when they are constantly surrounded?!? That's my rant summed up in 1 sentence. I don't know if this makes any sense or if it even makes you feel any better or different--if you want to "talk" more privately, feel free to message me on Facebook. I just wanted you to know...quickly...that you are in my thoughts and you are not alone. Take care, Mary Sloan Thompson
I'm one of your blog stalkers and I can totally relate to you. You were great at the Tori Beach Evening thingy by the way.
Just wanted to say - I understand...
Hi Rachel, I’m Eve. I came across your blog awhile ago through Oki Hai. My hubs and I are headed out there April - ish. I applaud you for your honesty and straight forwardness. You are right to feel like your feelings should be validated and that you’re not being taken for granted. No one is perfect, nothing is, but you’re on the proactive track just by realizing the changes you’d like to see and acknowledging them. I hope that by the time you read this everything is looking up! You seem like a really cool person and I’ve enjoyed seeing / reading your Oki experience!
I'm listening, and I know exactly what you mean! Don't let people drain you. I know I've had friends I had to let go, because it was a one-sided friendship. Find time to recharge, go for a run, treat yourself to something, or cry and yell it out... I do that too! Good luck Cousin!
Hi..just ran across your blog somehow and wanted to say that I hope things are looking up for you. I too experienced the lonely life of a military man and can relate. If you need someone to chat with, let me know.
Kristenmorrison@rocketmail.com
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