Resolved

To start practicing "real" singing again.

To go on runs with more regularity.  (My first Marathon is coming up this May!)

To read more.

To watch TV less.

To cook more.

To make my own chicken stock.

To stay on top of mail.

To sing more.

To work with greater purpose.

To love fully.

To forgive completely.

To reach out to others.

To spend less.

To travel often.

To connect in person.

To complete self-study courses.

To develop a cohesive business plan.

To love my husband.

To love my family.

To laugh.

To cry.

To be authentic.

Happy 2011!

Great Quote

I watched "Runaway Bride" on the plane ride home from Okinawa, and picked up a great quote from the movie.  "It takes three people to make our marriage work; him, me, and our therapist."  Ain't it the truth?  Marriage is tough.  I have so benefitted from my work with an excellent therapist over the last ten months.  It feels good to be authentic and healthy.  Hooray for doing the hard work in therapy!

Feels So Good!

This post is more for my benefit than anyone else's... But I just needed to write it as a little reminder to myself of how GOOD it feels to have completed a run before work!

Some mornings (like today) it's a drag to get up early, and would be really easy to talk myself out of a run, but with Gabe's encouragement I make it out the door and hit the road.  And it only takes about three minutes to be glad that I'm out there and to start enjoying feeling my body exert itself.  Then, when the run is over it just feels GREAT to come back inside, drink some water and hit the shower and get on with the rest of my day.

So, self, get out there and run.  (And remember, Lake Tahoe already has your money, so you'd better keep running so that you're in shape to take on the 1/2 Marathon on your birthday!)

It's been a while...

And I don't have much to say tonight.  All is well, though, just incredibly busy!  It was a real treat to have Burr so close (relatively!) March - May.  He went back to Okinawa at the beginning of June, and since then I have been playing catch-up at work, and have done a whirl-wind trip to Orlando (for NICU-MT certification; amazing!), and Birmingham (much playing with Baby Eli, and wonderful visiting with Mom!).  Now, back in San Diego, settling in for a productive weekend home alone, to be followed by about two weeks of company!  (Kristy first, then Mom and Rose - can't wait!)

Other reasons I haven't posted here lately are largely tied to Whole Note Music Therapy and how much "brain-time" the "rebirth" is demanding of me!  Working on website revisions, a Whole Note blog, possibly a podcast, and oh yeah, drumming up some students and clients!  Also beginning to explore the possibility of a NICU Music Therapy contract in San Diego, and still pondering what I should be when I grow up... Full time music therapist?  (Employee or Private Practitioner?)  Go back to school for a Masters degree in Speech Language Pathology?  Shelve everything and be a full-time mom?  (Of course, that would require children, and I'm not in a rush to acquire any at the moment, so probably not the best option!)  Sadly acknowledging that the window has likely shut on other career aspirations... probably will not be an astronaut, Julie Andrews, Shamu Trainer, or Esther Williams.  Sad.  Oh well, it feels good to remind myself that Julia Child didn't become "Julia Child" until her fifties... so there's still plenty of time to leave my mark!  But that brings us back to the question, where shall I leave said mark?

Enough of my rambling.  I've also cooked some great meals over the last couple of months, and I'll be happy to share those with you soon...ish.

Cheers!
rmf

The Bird Bath

Today, I've felt a bit down.  Doing things that are self-destructive, that you KNOW will be self-destructive before you do them, is a bad idea... I don't recommend it... But having been self-destructive this morning, I've had to reap the consequences all day, in the form of a nasty case of the blues and too many thoughts full of self-doubt to count.

I did "nice" things for myself today... got a manicure (first one in I can't remember how long, and just went with clear!), and a pedicure as well (pink for springtime), took care of Burr's laundry, even got to watch a bit of "Casino Royale" while I munched on my lunch.  Then I went to the pool.  Glorious afternoon in Yuma.  Hot.  Sunny.  Perfect.  Started a new book ("The School of Essential Ingredients" - highly recommend!), and tried to breathe deeply and enjoy the sunshine.  But I still felt down.

Until I saw the bird.  It was a pigeon, and it was perched on the edge of the fountain by the pool.  There was nothing especially remarkable about the bird.  Brown, no distinctive markings, regular size, you know, just a bird.  But that bird was Joyful!  It was luxuriating in the cool splashes of water being blown onto it from the fountain.  One wing would lift as the bird tilted to the side to get the water in those "hard to reach spots!" then the maneuver would be repeated on the other side.  The bird Luxuriated in the water... and I became lighter, and more joyful just watching.

Watching the bird playing in the fountain reminded me of how much I've always loved the water and experienced great joy just from being in it and pretending to be Esther Williams...  But I held off on my impulse to dive into the pool.  I mean, then I would have to wash my hair, my eye make-up would get runny, etc, etc.  My eyes, however, continued to be drawn back to the bird, as he bathed and played in the fountain.  It looked like FUN.  And that bird seemed Happy!  And at the end of the day, I wanted to feel happy, not blue, and I knew that all it would take to feel happier would be to dive into the water, and frolic for a bit.  So, I did.  And it was wonderful.  And I felt happy.

Now I'm left to ponder...  Why do we (or maybe it's just me), so easily do things to ourselves that we know will bring us down and not lift our spirits.  And why is it so much more difficult to choose to do something simple that we know will bring joy to our souls?  It's so easy to choose to squander in negativity, and can sometimes be much more of a challenge to embrace the healthy and positive... even though, from my experience, it's actually more Difficult to do something self-destructive (too many steps, too  much yuck to wade through) than it is to choose the Positive.  Craziness I tell you.

I will continue to look for the beauty and joy in the simplicity around me... and make the decision as often as possible to do the things that I know will bring joy to my own life.

Here's to the bird bath.

rmf

It may surprise you

It may surprise you to learn how many ideas for blog posts run through my head each day.  I don't post with regularity, but that doesn't mean that I'm not thinking about it!

Sometimes, I'd like to do a really "scandalous" post on something that people don't talk about very often... like Vibrators... or I'd like to wax insightfully about relationships, or rail away at the injustices of the world...  Other times, I'd like to talk about my job, and how cool it is to do what I do... and how I want to touch people and society and make an impact with my life, but how I'm scared that in the final analysis, my life won't have positively impacted anyone.  (Scary, scary!)

Sometimes I want to blog about singing.  Sometimes I want to blog about running and trying to keep my body feeling and looking it's best.  And then there are times when I want to be snarky, but I reign myself in on those... there's too much snarkiness and negativity out there already, why contribute more when it's so much more refreshing to have something kind and thoughtful to say?

I guess my reluctance to test all of these waters and to post some of the ideas that I have is that I'm still not exactly sure what a blog is supposed to be.  Is it supposed to be like the cards we get at Christmas, and paint everything with a rosy hue?  It it supposed to be dedicated to a single topic or type of post?  Can it be an authentic representation of one's life and experiences?  Do readers (whoever you are!) only want to hear the "good stuff" or can we be honest about the struggles and low times we face as well?  Questions, questions...

Oh well... We'll travel this blog-y road together and see where it goes.

Don't be snarky.  Being kind is so much more clever.

:)

Tasks

It's Sunday.  And I have nothing to do today.  Well, nothing, that is, that's on my schedule.  But there are many things that I COULD do today... I'm currently pondering what might (or might not!) get done.  Here are some of my potential tasks today:

Deposit checks (a must-do!)
Pilates class
Bathe Gabe
Go to the beach
A Borders Bookstore run
A Run
Closet Overhaul (I went shopping yesterday and must now delete items from my closet to accommodate the new things.  It's my new shopping policy!)
Menu planning for Thursday dinner party
Vacuum
Trip planning for May
A trip to the nursery to finish out my herb garden

Lot's of options today!  Wondering what will transpire... guess it's time for me to get off of the computer and get busy!

Funny Impulses

Almost four years after my dad's death, I still have funny, instinctive impulses to give him a call.  Most recently, I got my car washed and as I drove on into work, I wanted to call him to let him know!  He was always a stickler about keeping his car in great shape, and whenever I was taking good care of my car, I would call to give him an update.  And he would be pleased.  And his happiness/pride over such a simple thing made me happy.

That's a silly example, but it's funny the moments in life that give you pause and make you feel like/wish those who are no longer with you still are...

Pata Pata

I LOVE this song by Miriam Makeba; it's just impossible to listen to it and not have a lift in the mood.  For whatever reason, I've felt a little blue this afternoon, so I treated myself to the entire "Pata Pata" album on iTunes.  It's having the desired effect... elevating my mood, so that I'm now motivated to go shop for groceries and cook for the evening!

Losing my "Muchness"

Last night I saw the new film "Alice in Wonderland."  One of the themes that kept coming up in the first half of the movie was that Alice didn't seem Much like Alice.  She had changed as she had grown up, playing the role that society demanded of her, and losing confidence in herself and her gumption.  She had lost her "Muchness."  (Of course, as one expects, over the course of the story, she rediscovers herself, etc...) :)

I don't ever want to lose my "Muchness."  Over the last couple of years, I've gone into places in myself that I didn't know were there, and that I would rather not go again.  I haven't always felt "Much" like Rachel.  I've felt like a different person; trying really hard to be what I felt like I 'should' be, instead of being true to myself and throwing all of my Rachel-ness out into the world.  I should be as Much Rachel as I can be; it's who I am and I'm learning to explore my feelings, express them, and share myself with the world and the people that I love in the most authentic way that I can.  It's scary sometimes; authenticity also equals vulnerability, because there are no longer any walls or barriers up to prevent the world from seeing me in all of my Rachel-ness.  But authenticity is far less terrifying than the notion of losing my "muchness."

Don't lose yours; be all that you are, all the time.  Be as Much Yourself as you can be.

With Muchness,
rmf

The Garbage Truck

My friend Dianne sent me this little message in an email forward.  I usually just skim through forwards and don't spend much time with them, but I really liked this one.  Sometimes I feel really "dumped on," and this is a good reminder for taking it all in stride.

Law of the Garbage Truck

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport.

We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

 

So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined
Your car and sent us to the hospital!'

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.

As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.
Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,

So ... Love the people who treat you right.

Pray for the ones who don't.

Have a blessed, garbage-free day!

Just talking...

I haven't updated here in quite a while; I'm kind of hoping that no one is checking in anymore and that I'm just sending it out to the void... if you do run across this, I'm fine, just need to say some things!

I'm so tired of having to be "perfect" and having to present the "perfect" happy face, and "perfect" family, and be the "perfect" hostess... I just want to scream and I feel like even if I do no one will hear me. I'm treading water, but I'm sinking down and no is watching or even sees that I'm struggling. Yes, I know I'll be fine. Everyone knows I'll be fine... but in the meantime, I'm not fine and I need to be taken care of a little bit.

I am strong. "Rachel is the strong one..." yep, everybody knows this... so no worries. But I'm tired of being strong. When do I get to be weak?? Oh yeah, never. It is my job to hold it together so that everyone around me can bring me their trials and struggles... which I don't mind, but shouldn't it be a two way street?

I'm sure a lot of this rant stems from loneliness. I know that I have my family's support and care, but sometimes that message gets lost in translation as it travels halfway around the world. Because I work from home, I don't have colleagues with whom I can share my day and my thoughts... and as I've recently had pointed out to me, I am apparently a very negative, critical person and that explains why I don't have tons and tons of friends. Great. So here I am. Alone.

If you're reading this, I apologize for being such a downer. I just needed to say these things out loud. When I post again, I'll put up some recent pictures and adopt the peppy, happy, "everything's perfect" tone that you were probably expecting. Sorry for the rant. But if you made it this far, thanks for listening.

rmf

"He's Just Not That Into You"

Just not that into you... that's how I've felt about ye olde blog for the last several weeks. I know that the three of you that actually follow this are waiting with bated breath on a daily basis to see what's new with the Fergusons, and I'm sorry to disappoint, but I just haven't been interested in writing new posts!

Things have remained busy, even with "Ragtime" over and Burr still gone. My daytimes are filled with teaching students and preparing for lessons. My evenings are ridiculously boring as I sit home alone and surf the internet, munch on 100 Calorie Packs (bless the person who thought of that one!), read, and/or watch TV. Gabe and I still run daily, and I am loving diving more than ever. I just completed my GUE-Fundamentals rec pass (I'll post a link to GUE so that you can get an idea of what I'm talking about), and I'm looking forward to advancing my skills this winter and spring.

Last week, I had a welcome reprieve from the monotony of Burr's absence. The boats pulled back into port for a 36 hour Liberty period and Burr got to come HOME!!! We spent a great day and a half together, but it was such a tease! I didn't want to send him away again. Boo. But, he should be back to stay for a couple of months soon... I can't wait.

Other than that, just gearing up for a weird Thanksgiving in Okinawa with no Burr. I figure it can't be any worse than our anniversary, my birthday, Christmas or New Year's without him... and I've made it through all of those!

Hope that you're all well, and I'll try to get back into the swing of things on posting more regularly!

best,
rmf

Going Bananas

I have to tell a story on myself from last week. I was getting ready to go to rehearsal one night, and laid out a bottle of water and a banana to take with me. I was in the car, with all of my rehearsal gear, on the phone with Burr, when I realized that my banana was nowhere to be found! "Burr!" I cried, "I've LOST my banana!" After pseudo-searching the car (safely, I promise... while driving and talking on the phone) I determined that my banana must have been left at home. Bummer. Fast-forward to the end of the rehearsal and my return home. And NO banana! It wasn't out where I had left it... I really had lost my banana!

Now fast-forward to the next morning, post-run, when I crashed on the sofa to relax... and saw a half-eaten banana peel on the floor. Any lucky guesses on what REALLY happened to my snack? I'll give you two guesses, but you'll only need one!

Gabe T.D. Ferguson likes bananas.

Better than chocolate, I guess!

rmf

Wish I'd Had a Camera

Two times since I've been back in Okinawa I've really wished that I had my camera. The first was on my very first Saturday back. Burr and I got up early and took Gabe on a nice long walk down the Seawall to American Village. After coffee and pastry at Starbucks, we began our trek back home.

And that's when we saw him.

Hitler.

The Cat.

I'm not kidding... this cat looked like HITLER! It had a white, meanish face, and a rectangular black mustache between it's nose and mouth. Spooky! I know you don't believe me, and that's why I really wish that I'd had a camera.

Second, if I'd had my camera with me on a recent run, I could have shared with you a picture of the rainbow I saw arcing down from the sky and into the ocean. In the early morning sky, alight with colors, it was an amazing sight. I felt truly blessed to get to see it!

rmf

With bated breath

I know that's how some of you have felt while waiting for my next post! Sorry my voice has been quiet lately... I had grand intentions of blogging with regularity while I was home in Alabama, but somehow my travels through the southeast (and pool time and shopping and eating) didn't allow me to hit Ye' Old Blog as faithfully as I planned!

But I'm back now! And to start out the new month, I thought I would post this survey that is making its way around all of my friends' blogs. Enjoy!

Bloggy Survey...

10 years ago: I began my senior year of highschool. Go PURPLES!

5 years ago: I met Burr the day after college graduation. Later that summer we picked up Gabe! I like to say that I got both of my guys in the same summer...

5 months ago: I sent Burr off on a boat to Thailand. I started running again, went to rehearsals for "Joseph" and made some new friends!

5 things on my list of things to do tomorrow:
1. Teach eager young students how to sing and play guitar
2. Organize my office
3. Run
4. Teach the "New Rochelle" ensemble their music
5. Stay up late b/c Burr will be SDO and I'll be lonely!

5 bad habits:
1. Over-committing my time
2. Laying out in the sun (but it's soooo nice!)
3. Staying up too late
4. Planning too much for the future; not enjoying the moment I'm in
5. Procastinating

5 places I’ve lived:
1. Bowling Green, KY
2. Birmingham, AL
3. Grenoble, France
4. San Diego, CA
5. Okinawa, Japan

5 things people don’t know about me:
1. I'm terrified of heights. I have an unreasonable fear of the structure on which I'm standing crumbling beneath me.
2. I DON'T color my hair.
3. I can't watch scary movies. My imagination is too active and I can't sleep well or be by myself after dark afterward!
4. I stink at sports that revolve around any type of ball; soccer, softball, football, basketball, etc. I'm much better at "solo" endeavors; running, swimming, etc.
5. I love to play Spades. I'm always looking for people to sit and play cards with for hours!

The Roads I've Travelled

Last weekend Mom and I hit I-65N and headed from Birmingham, AL to Bowling Green, KY. For the four years that I attended Samford University this was my trip home. I still remember my favorite exit (351) and all of the food choices there, and I still look forward to the prettiest part of the drive - the big bridge through the wildlife preserve just before Huntsville. Crossing into Tennessee is always nice, and the Jack Daniels Distillery still let me know that I'm on the right road!

Yesterday we hit the road and travelled from Birmingham to Tallahassee, FL. This was my drive for the two and a half years I did my graduate work at Florida State. It was exciting to pull back into Tallahassee and go to one of my favorite restaurants and to pass all of the familiar landmarks on the way. From there, we drove on to Daytona Beach to see Aunt Rita, Uncle Terry, Grandad, Aunt Tammy and Andrea. We are having an impromptu family reunion this weekend... should be fun!

It's been neat to drive these familiar routes the last couple of weeks. Seeing things that were such a part of my life for so long and experiencing it all in different way now that my life is so far removed. I think that it's always fun to look back, but the best of living happens in the present.

Have a great weekend,
rmf

Headed Home!

In just a few hours I will be boarding a plane bound for Atlanta, Georgia. There I will launch myself into my Mom's waiting arms, and stay there, in her hug for the rest of the month.

I have been looking forward to this trip home for quite a while. Here are some of the specific things I'm looking forward to. (Notice how many of them revolve around food!)

- Papa John's Pizza with Pepperoni and Mushroom
- Nabeel's chicken salad
- Zoe's chicken salad and pimiento cheese
- Surrin West - Pad Thai, Chicken Panang, Surin Baskets
- Steak
- Fresh produce
- Farmer's Market
- Bread and Bagels (cinnamon sugar bagel with strawberry cream cheese)
- Great American Donut Shop
- Grandmother's biscuits
- Making a cherry cobbler with Mom
- Seeing the Fam in KY
- Seeing Grandad, Aunt Rita, Uncle Terry, Aunt Tammy and family at some point
- Re-visiting my Birmingham haunts
- Shopping - Banana Republic, J.Crew, Williams-Sonoma, Pottery Barn
- Laying out at the pool at The Preserve
- Going to the Gulf Coast
- Playing music with Caroline
- Talking for hours with my Mom
- Porch-sitting with Aunt Jane and Grandmother
- Going for long runs
- Moe's Burrito!
- Hanging out with Kristy
- Seeing as many friends as I can
- Lunch with Dr. Richardson
- Sleeping in my favorite bed
- Papa John's Pizza with Peperroni and Mushrooms

The Lion King

First of all, let me clear something up. In the last post I said, "sadly Burr has left and I am traveling back to the States tomorrow." I meant that it is sad that Burr has gone away again, NOT that I am sad to be traveling home tomorrow. I can't wait to be home! Let me be clear, I am SO EXCITED about traveling home! Ok, understand? Good.

Yesterday we went to a matinee of "The Lion King." Theatre isn't one of those "must do" things in the Tokyo guidebooks. Actually, Burr was hard-pressed to find any information on it at all! We were the sole Westerners amongst a sea of Japanese theatre patrons. And the show was completely in Japanese! Not only was it an enriching experience just by virtue of "going to the theatre" but we were enriched by the foreign-ness of what is a "normal" experience for us. Some observations: the audience did not applaud much between numbers, nor did they laugh at many of the jokes and funny parts. We only knew that something funny had happened by the kids sitting near us. They would get all tickled over something and start giggling, but nothing from the adults! But at the end, we learned that it had, in fact, been a very appreciative audience; the cast recieved SEVEN curtain calls! SEVEN!

It was incredible performance and Burr and I were each blown away by the costuming and staging. The sets were incredible! And that stage! Rotating stairs, elevated platform, retractable floors... wow! And back to the costumes... seriously... the ELEPHANTS AND GIRAFFES!!!! WOW!

So even though the plot is a little fuzzy in our minds (it's been a while since either of us watched the Disney film) and we didn't really catch any of the diaglogue or lyrics, it was a wonderful experience. I love "The Lion King!"

Small Town USA

Living on Okinawa is an interesting experience, especially as I get more and more involved in the American community. It is rare for me to go to the commissary, exchange, library, or even running without seeing someone that I know. This is the first time I've ever lived somewhere that that happens on a regular basis. And I've got to say, I kind of like it!